i have been wrought with dreams of past loves lately.

after one such dream, i decided with new vengeance to attempt to find some meagre iota of information on one such person on the internet. the search seemed once again fruitless until on the twentieth or so page of googled results, i found an interesting lead.

it was the myspace page of a friend of the wife of this past love of mine. there was not a lot to go on and i felt i had to know for sure, so i messaged the wife and asked to be certain.

it was him.

since this contact, i have dreamt of him every night, with last night's having the most emotional impact. i cannot stop thinking about how i could have ensured a different outcome for the way things turned out. i can't help but be certain that he cannot be happy in his present situation.

he had told me he didn't believe in the institution of marriage.

my memories and math skills made me realize that the girlfriend i had met was this same woman and she wasn't just overweight in overalls. she was massively pregnant.

then, when we sat face to face avoiding the elephant in the room. he never said. perhaps thought it obvious?

up until a year before that, he had been a virgin. and now all of a sudden he's been dating this girl a few months and she's just as many months pregnant.

convinces him to marry her to 'make it right'? moves to n.c. and contentendly gives up his dreams?

i don't know why i hold out this hope. all i strongly desire is to communicate directly with him on friendly terms. i want to hear from him. i miss him so badly, and not necessarily in a loving sense. i just really miss his personality and having someone that unique and intelligent in my life.

but then i must seriously question what i understand to be his personality. it is more realistic to assume i never really knew him at all. people change. we were young. really young. he's a father of two children now and probably a responsible and underpaid citizen. they probably drink casually on weekends with other suburban friends.

the wife was antagonistic in her messages. i don't think she wants him to know that i have found them and made contact. i so wonder if he would write back if he knew.

i have concluded that he does not have an online existence because he has not wanted me to find him.

i am clearly obsessive.

it has been hard to pretend that everything is okay when in my dreams i have him again and i wake up every morning wrought with guilt for thinking about another man and wanting to love him again, and feeling too foolish for the circumstances to tell anyone how i really feel about it.

i want badly to cry over it all, but i can't seem to work myself up into that level of emotionality.

i wish i had done things so so differently. would it have changed anything?

i don't know...

i can't help but feel that i have idealized this love in my mind because it was aborted so young. seven years of hurt for five actual months of... whatever it was.

i think it's a pattern. i have idealized all of the relationships that i felt were ended too soon.

i wish they could have been allowed to fizzle out.

i wish you would write to me.

do you still have the card i gave you?