05.27.20 | 431 pm

i don't want to be the foil in this plotline


he makes me hate the weekend.

i have been struggling a lot the past several days with this scenario. i've written various drafts of things i want to have the courage to say. things like:

"I'm too much character to be just a foil in your plot line."
"I'm going to lose interest if this is as deep as things are going to go here."
"I don't need to be fucking with someone half a world away."
"You know I like you. And I don't want that to change."
"I like you too much to just be a fantasy."
"I'd really rather be a friend to you than a plaything."
"Sure, I've got the room in my life for this right now. But not at the expense of a proper friendship."
"I've let myself believe that you did and could again mean more to me than is real."

but i don't have that courage. i'm not quite ready to let go of the hope, yet. so, i guess i'll keep playing along with this game. it's exhilarating while i'm in the midst of it, but it's leaving me feeling so hollow in the wake of each encounter. like the rejected lyrics scribbled on a diner napkin, crumpled and left to sop up the spilled coffee and very quickly forgotten.