06.18.20 | 816 pm

And if it make's you feel better, I'll be on my way


the end of an era. another one. another end.

this is a big one. maybe the biggest i'll experience in my lifetime. the end of a 12-year relationship. i'm moving out tomorrow, packing the last of my things, arguing over what really is mine and what isn't. arguing about what value i added to this relationship in 12 years.

as is my typical fashion, i'm becoming intensely sentimental now that we are in the sunset of dissolution. everything is bringing tears to my eyes. mostly, the flashbacks of a love that wasn't ever really what i imagined it to be. oh sure, there were moments. there was a lot of beauty, or it wouldn't have lasted so long. the memories that sting the most: the night of my birthday party when he first told me he loved me, pressed up against the glass of the bus stop outside the noisy pub. the times he gently reassured me when i was anxious and breaking down. the beach outside Mombassa, where back in our cheap hotel we made love in the most love-producing way.

and now, instead of healing from the disappointment of the loss of that love, i'm spending all my energies on a most lost of causes. there's no love being made in these conversations. just cold fucking. and every day i tell myself that i'm going to tell him to forget my name. to fuck off. but i get some kind of crumb or morsel that makes me believe this lost cause is my next fix. and i keep on chasing that fucking high...