04.25.20 | 339 pm

top 5 redux


one of my first diary entries (in 2001!) was top 5s, inspired by cult classic film high fidelity. it's also the entry that brought me back to diaryland - my desperate search to remember if the first returned crush of 2020 had made the original cut 19 years ago (he didn't).

instead of heartbreaks or almosts, i decided to make this top five romantic moments in my life. i'm focusing on the times i felt butterflies, warmth, love, acceptance and not yearning for someone or somewhere else.

top five romantic gestures

5. the time when i was 17, attending a punk rock show (MxPx) at the University of Alberta, with two of my girlfriends. We stationed ourselves at the front of the moshpit, against the rail in front of the stage. My girlfriend asked a random guy in the crowd to protect me from the moshpit. And he did. He spent the entire show with his arms on either side of me. I don't think we spoke a word, other than me thanking him for the protection when the show ended. He wrote me a note that said: "like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glitter in the queen's round metal hat."

4. this mix cd and the series of comics made for me by tim g.

3. the few short days with dan m., whom i met in that shitty bar in that shitty town just weeks after my 18th birthday. we left the bar to walk around the darkened lake and he kissed me in the birdwatching tower. our next date, i fell asleep in my car with my head on his chest and he didn't move for hours, despite the discomfort.

2. when dan l., a complete stranger to me at the time, approached me at a punk rock show and asked if he could hold my hand. and later that night, when he asked if he could kiss me... i still swoon.

1. when forever boy (soon to no longer be) professed his feelings for me in a dive-y bar on a tuesday early evening, just as my interest in the conversation was beginning to wane and i was getting ready to go home. after letting the words sink in, i turned and asked him, "what do you want from me?" to which he responded, holding my gaze, "i want to be your boyfriend." i was engaged to be married to another man at the time and it took a lot of courage to have that conversation. and change the course of my history...

now, in the wake of it all, it feels sadder than i intended it to be. i'm just hoping the prospect for romance for me isn't all in the past.