05.01.20 | 1035 am

i kept you tied down, but i couldn't save you from drowning


closure.

i cried for a bit to grieve the loss of my hope, missplaced expectations, and the desire to use him as a means to reclaim a lost part of myself. i had hoped that being in touch with him would let me rediscover the person i was when we had last been in contact. i don't know why, but it means so much to me that i can so clearly picture the physical space i was occupying in this world when he first made my heart soar with hopes of something more. my parents' living room, surrounded by windows and blue sky. we talked about running away together and starting a musical duo to write love songs. i can picture the beige carpet under my toes that i must have stared at as i contemplated these words and their real meaning. i've spent too much time regretting the choices i made that summer that prevented that from ever being a possibility.

the thing is, when we reconnected and it escalated so quickly, i threw myself too willingly into the escapism of pretending like that potential, that possibility, could still exist in some form. i was in a place in my life that i wanted to escape. lockdown in an crumbling relationship and with young children who drain me. pretending like i was 20, again, unattached, able to live on a whim, or like i could be somehow that way again was intoxicating.

there are no words for this, so just drive she said. this car can't take me fast enough from here tonight. just drive, she said. one more wrong might make this right.

so, the closure came, and i let go of my ego finally. i just said what i wanted to say in my very typical sara way. i was introspective and poetic and revealing. and it feels nice to be my authentic self for just a flash of a moment, before i have to dry these tears and plaster the smile back on to give myself away for those who are depending on me.