05.08.20 | 807 am

i'd rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water


yesterday was really, really rough.

i had hoped the magic of sleep would find me waking to different feelings. Granted, they're not so acute today, but the achy misery is still sitting there, in the hollow of my chest and the pit of my stomach, causing my limbs to feel numb and senses hazy. most of the grief is coming from ruminating on that lost hope, crushing crush, but it's made far more intense by the wider circumstances... my pool of misery. the dissolution of my relationship. the having to leave my home. the uncertainty of the present, let alone the future.

but it's duller, today. the tears less at the ready.

today marks 12 years since my partner and i began dating. today would be our 12 year anniversary, if it weren't for the fact that we are preparing to separate. due to a number of issues, it looks like i may not be able to move out for several months and that feels untenable. he's been really soft with me the last several days, which gives me a false sense of hope that maybe we don't need to take these drastic measures. but in a moment of weakness, i asked him, "are you having second thoughts?"

he is not.

he's not sentimental. he's looking forward to the freedom. i wish i could look forward to it as much. but i know myself too well. i know i will spend my childfree nights wallowing in self pity, feeling bitterly lonely and wishing desperately for some man to make me feel wanted and special. to hold me.

'cause nothing's like being held sometimes...