05.12.20 | 319 pm

anyone else and it would have been easy


in our dissolution, and in my own breaking down, he told me to go away for a few days. to book into an airbnb by myself and 'recharge.'

i secretly hoped it would be an opportunity to reconnect with the crush, somehow. i stayed up late (really late for me) and drank beer (not as much as I had planned) and in the depths of my loneliness, i looked in the mirror and cried. not for the rejections and these men who won't love me, but for the lost potential. i looked at my aging face and my life circumstances and was convinced i cannot be loved again.

i shone a cold light on the events of the past month. i had deluded myself into thinking that in the wake of our washed out, short-lived romance, i could convince the crush to still be my friend. that i could still seek an emotional connection with someone from the past who reminds me of the best version of myself. but by saying what, "please still care enough about me to talk to me"? "please don't leave me hanging here on the strings of a twisting line"? "please just be clear with me about our rules of engagement going forward"?

Silence is clarity.

and our friendship is 17 years dead.

so, i need to take a deep breath and have the clarity, strength, and resolve to do what's best for me, even if it breaks my heart. i need to stop myself from indulging in false hopes. i need to take back the past month and simply erase it. hit a reset button. delete his contact. unfriend. block. move on.

no need for an announcement. no need for explanations.

silence is clarity.