05.02.20 | 400 pm

we could get lost in the fall, glimmer, sparkle, and fade


i have felt mostly okay and accepting of this loss. but there are momentary cracks, where the grief seeps in.

this morning, it was bargaining. it was the desire to go back and say, "oh no, that was all too dramatic. i take it all back. we really can be friends, just please don't stop talking to me."

this afternoon, it was denial. telling myself that there's some hope for some restored connection in some form in some future. that maybe in a few week's time, he'll miss me and reach out and i need to just be patient. that maybe in a few months or a year life circumstances will be more accommodating of a flourishing relationship (and the delusion involved in this denial is overwhelming).

and least of all (thankfully, though still painfully) is the heartwrenching depression stage, where the reality and finality crash together and take my breath away. the reality that the beautiful story we had crafted together was nothing more than just that - a story; an embellished retelling of a past that wasn't quite that but rather a version that allowed us both to escape the ennui of quarantine family life for a few days. because if i had really meant to him at one time what he said i did, he'd have looked for me sooner. and if he really meant to me at one time what i made myself feel this time around, i'd have looked for him sooner.

the bitter truth is that it was all just a nice and very short story whose ending has been written and read aloud and i have to find another crutch on which to base my escape.