04.21.20 | 358 pm

heartbeats and clocks


did you know that the heart works on a clock?

5:30am anxious desperation. 7:00am pain and bargaining and denial. 11:00am cold, factual acceptance. 4:00pm the freight train of grief. The shattering. 6:00pm the kids need me and i can focus my attention on getting them fed and to bed. 8:00pm quiet hope that tomorrow brings something different. 9:30pm sleep aid and bed.

so it's 4pm and the freight train of grief is hitting. i have sobbed just once, mid-jog, around the 3.5km mark. one brief moment of my shoulders slumping and the weight of rejection hitting me. The same sensation came over me just now. how nice it would be to crawl into bed, under the covers, with some sad music narrating back to me my interpretation of events. i want to play the victim. i want to tell myself a sad story of how typical this is for me, how i should have known better, how i am unloveable.

but luckily it's not overwhelming me today. i just have to resist the temptation to look at his photos (my god, diary, if you knew how i swoon!) and i should be fine.

i guess heartbreak gets easier with practice.